i need something new, something trivial will do; i want to satisfy this empty feeling

Listen up, ladies: if you never take anything else out of our short time together — that is, other than the toe-curling ecstasy of an orgasm so powerful you’ll likely die alone, forever shunning all other sexual contact with the newfound knowledge that you could never be as satisfied by anyone else, ever again (obviously) — it should be that, no matter how hygienic your husband/boyfriend/teenage son’s best friend (while he’s sleeping over (and you’ve been drinking (duh (and anyway, it’s not pedophilia when the woman is the adult)))) may be, if you decide to play with the head of his penis immediately after he leaves the bathroom, you’re going to get a little bit of pee on your hands.

He can shake it all he wants, but it doesn’t matter; touch the penis right after he pees, you’re going to need to wash your hands.

Best to let that thing air dry for a few minutes.

Listen up, men: if you ever switch to one of those front pocket wallets — on the advice of your chiropractor who said sitting on that old back pocket wallet was causing you back pain (on account of it being so fat because of all the money you have) — you will inevitably touch your ass on the back pocket, feel that it’s empty and, for a second or two, you will think you lost your wallet.

Also, this will happen probably five times a day.

And you’ll laugh it off the first few times, because silly you! Of course your back pocket is empty! You switched to the front pocket wallet a few days ago, remember? OMFGLMAO!

But let me just tell you, it gets old after a while.