if you don’t like it you can stick it in your mamma’s mouth, and if she chew it she ain’t ever gonna spit it out

I wonder if that oil slick floating around in the Gulf is going to help the Mexicans swim here more quickly. God knows we could use some more, what with Cinco de Mayo coming up. Hector! Otra cerveza, por favor. Ahora!

Good thing Arizona isn’t on the Gulf Coast. Am I right people?!?!?

So I flew to Baltimore last week. In coach. I was upset initially, but then I tried to convince myself it would be a fun sociological experiment, sitting so close (and cramped) near people that are so very far beneath me, intellectually and financially. Sort of like that TV show where Paris Hilton and her friend (who used to be cute but then she got knocked up so there goes that) went and did poor-people things like vote Democrat or wait tables or go to church.

It would be fun, I thought. Maybe even a tad humbling. But then I got on the plane and oh my christ you poor people are obnoxious.

I mean, waking me up to tell me the drink cart is almost to our aisle? Are you fucking kidding me!?!

No wonder they serve coffee in Styrofoam cups to the people in coach. Why should poor people care about the environment, anyway? It’s not like they have anything to live for.

But I digress.

In addition to digressing, I also saw a midget one morning in the deli next to my hotel. And I know you’re probably assuming I’ll make some witty comment about how gross midgets are (and omfg they so are), but you know what they say: when you assume, you make an ass out of yourself.

My first thought (clearly) was to demand the manager call an exterminator pronto or they could keep their three-dollar bagel. But having been humbled by the horrors of coach just one day prior, I decided not to freak out and, instead, to show a shred of compassion.

So I snuck up from behind it with plastic cup, caught it, slide a piece of paper beneath the cup, then went outside and let it go

The end.