you only wake me up if you’re hungry; i’ll make some dinner, but not today

If there’s one thing you absolutely must take away from this conversation we’re having, Internet, it’s that on the day before Valentine’s Day, the card section at Hallmark is no place to pick up chicks.

I’m not even kidding here. I don’t care how cute she is, chances are she’s already got plans.

And I know you were banking on the whole “you’re shopping for a Valentine’s card, so obviously someone else wants you, thereby making you instantly more attractive and desirable” angle working in your favor. But that’s only true for wedding rings, and not overpriced greeting cards. For all she knows, you’re buying the card for a fat girl. And really? You think the cute blonde in the Shoebox section is going to leave her boyfriend for some dude who can’t do better than a fat girl?

And look, I know you’re puzzled at the wedding ring/Valentine’s Day card distinction, because a wedding ring could mean that you’re with a fat girl, too. And you’re right. In fact, she probably is fat. But odds are she got fat during the marriage. Because who in their right mind would marry a fat girl?

Anyway, the point is that instead of casting doubt in the cute blonde’s head as to your desirability, the ring lets her know that a) you are, in fact, desirable to other women, and b) you’re married (i.e. miserable and desperate), so she can get what she wants with little to know effort on her part, thus making you more desirable.

Wake up and smell the coffee, Internet. Then take a sip. It may be bitter, but it’s eye-opening.

Happy Valentine’s Day!