hark! the herald angel sang and reached out for a phone, and plucking it with an ivory hand, dialed long distance home

Happy New Year, Internet.

I’ve resolved, among other things, to lose a bit of weight this year. And considering I’m not much on either the dieting or the exercising, and since cutting back on the drinking is so preposterous an idea that I almost didn’t even bother mentioning it because you’d just ridicule me for bringing it up and really? You ridiculing me? That’s even funnier than the whole “cutting back on the drinking” thing. So anyway, I’ve decided I’ll lose a few pounds this year by way of chronic masturbation.

I don’t know how much semen typically weighs on a load-to-load basis, but thanks to the innovation and sheer brilliance of my poop-weighing technique, I figure I can simply substitute semen for poop and presto! And then after a day’s worth of the weighing/jerking/weighing/math, I’ll be able to find the arithmetic mean of semen weight (which I’ll absolutely share with you (in the name of science)) and we can put together a nice workout regimen for me.

Nay.

For us.

I know it’s a couple of weeks late, but here’s that video of my dog you wanted to see.

He’s so cute…