can you believe some things are not appealing, and there’s a spot on the ceiling of my childhood bedroom

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected: for a period of roughly eight years, beginning approximately in mid-2000 up until 2008, I engaged in the use of illegal, performance-enhancing drugs.

Steroids.

I began injecting steroids into my left forearm out of necessity, in that my right forearm was becoming disproportionally larger than my left due to far more frequent use. And while I initially turned to the drug for purely cosmetic reasons, I continued the injections after discovering just how much it enhanced my performance.

With my left.

No matter how hard I tried, I could never quite get the proper stroke down with my left hand. And although my right has always been more than adept, having to pause ever-so-briefly to work the mouse with it — perhaps to open a new webcam video, because the college coed in the first one turned out to be a lot fatter than she appeared in the thumbnail — always threw my concentration off and prolonged the activity. And when your wife will be home any second, timing is everything. Everything.

Anyway, thanks to the ’roids (and the divorce leaving me with hundreds of hours of uninterrupted practice), this is no longer an issue. I can freely swap from right to left without missing a beat.

Off.