she wants me to go to the mall, she wants me to put the pretty, pretty lipstick on

Someone called me a racist the other day. I’m not even kidding.

Me.

A racist.

I would have been upset had it not been so laughable. I mean, seriously, who has time to hate one race over another when they’re all so worthy of your hatred?

Black. White. Black with a hint of Asian. You’re all obnoxious and stupid and I’d prefer that you leave my company post-haste.

Speaking of which, I think it’s time you people got off poor Tiger’s case already. So he screwed around a little. Big friggin’ deal. It happens, and you don’t know what was going on in his marriage that provoked it.

I mean, you’ve seen his wife. She’s hot, but she’s also blonde. And Tiger seems to be a smart guy, so it has to be frustrating being in a marriage with someone he can’t have an intelligible conversation with.

Plus, she’s Swedish. Can you even begin to imagine how annoying it must be having some Euro running around the house yelling “bork bork bork” nonstop? No. You can’t even begin to imagine it because it’s that horrible. Funny to think about it happening to someone else, sure, but if it were in your home, not so funny. Right? Right.

And look at him. The guy’s a catch. He has a bajillion dollar, he’s athletic, and he can do your nails. I’m not entirely certain if his penis size was determined by his black or his Asian genes, so that could be a pro or a con. But even still, what whore woman wouldn’t be willing to chance it?