bad baby submarines exploding in the paper trees. don’t ask me why, i just know it.

If you’re anything like me, Internet, and you wake up in the morning and have to poop (which is typically a mid-morning activity for me but sometimes my innards get buck wild and mix up the schedule), you probably hop on the scale first to see how much you weigh with the poop in you, poop, then hop back on the scale to see how much you weigh sans-poop.

Subtract weight number two from weight number one and you now know how heavy your poop was.

Then you’ll snicker at how ironic it is that “weight number two” is the one without the poop, but compose yourself, Internet, because the focus here is how much your poop weighed.

And I know the whole “if you’re anything like me” threw you for a loop because you’ve always considered yourself too fat and stupid to even pretend you’re like me. And you’re right. But with dedication, hard work, some sit-ups and maybe a tutor, maybe — just maybe — you can get yourself to the point where people won’t laugh in your face when you tell them you sometimes pretend you’re like me. They’ll still laugh at you, but they’ll do it behind your back. And they were probably going to do that regardless of what you’d said. Dare to dream the dream!

Anyway, the point of all this is that I woke up this morning and had to poop, and after the weighing/pooping/weighing/math was done, I calculated that my poop weighed exactly one pound.

The end.