if you are my friend, we can drink in the afternoon. that’s cool.

If I were that Vampire Bill, I think I’d have to consider going ahead and changing Ssssuckay into a vampire as quickly as possible. Because let’s face it, we all know that she’s only going to get uglier as she ages.

Better lock in now so you don’t get burned later, just like how I should have bought those holiday plane tickets to New York back in September but I didn’t and now it’s more expensive. Same exact thing, if you imagine expensive plane tickets having an unsightly gap between their teeth.

And I know you’re probably thinking “what an awesome simile,” but that’s because you’re stupid and obviously don’t know what a simile is. I bet you were probably even thinking it was a metaphor at first, but then you looked it up on the wiki because you knew I’d call you out on it were you wrong, and you saw the word “like” and thought “bingo! It’s a simile, not a metaphor! Boy, will I look smart!” But you failed, just like that time you tried to perform oral sex on yourself, or like your life in general. You failing failure, you.

Anyway, I realize the “turning Ssssuckay now” bit is all hypothetical, of course, partly because it’s just a television show, and partly because vampires aren’t real, but mainly because I’m pretty sure if I were a vampire, I could pull better tail than Ana Paquin.

But for the sake of conversation, I’m sure you see my point.