i sold my soul, and i sold yours too! to the devil we’re due!

Happy November 4th, Internet.

I considered starting off with “happy belated Halloween, Internet” but I find the whole “happy belated” trend to be particularly obnoxious right about now because, really, if I meant it, I’d have said it on Halloween. And if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s, well, it’s probably a midget. But if there are two things I’m not, it’s a midget and a liar.

I suppose you could make the argument that I don’t really care whether or not you have a happy November 4th, either. And you would be correct in that. But if you try to turn that around on me and call me a liar because of it, be prepared for me to turn it right back around on you and tell you that you’re wrong, so wrong in fact that it would surprise me that a person could actually be that wrong were I not talking about you, whose immense wrongness I’ve sadly grown accustomed to these past few years.

I wasn’t being a liar by wishing you a happy November 4th when I didn’t mean it. I was being polite. And sometimes, in order to be polite, you have to say things you don’t really mean, such as “that was delicious” or “porn is gross” or “I wasn’t checking her out, I was just noticing how much uglier and fatter she is than you.”

And if there are three things I’m not, it’s a midget, a liar and rude.

Speaking of which, I think my next career is going to revolve around making custom action figures to sell on the eBay, because I tried it for the first time a few days ago and clearly I have a knack for it.

I’m a little surprised I was able to find a toy rat that was actually the same scale as the midget. But I guess it was meant to be.