what’s easy in the night is always such a bite in the morning light

Sorry to be the one to break it to you, pre-teens boys, but that Selena Gomez kid is funny looking. Maybe someday a wizard of Waverly will whip up a decent haircut spell, but until that happens, she looks like a miniature Rachael Ray, and really? You’re creaming in your underoos over a miniature Rachael Ray?

I’ve got a new hobby, Internet: watching the True Blood and trying to say Sookie the way that main vampire guy says it.

Ssssuckay.

Over and over and over, I whisper Ssssuckay and I tell you, it’s like you’re right there in the show.

Try it. You’ll like it.

And sorry, Anna Paquin, but that gap in your teeth makes you about as non-underoo-cream-worthy as the Rachael Ray, although I’ll continue looking at your boobs when you show them so keep that up. But mouth closed, please.

And lastly, so I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she says to me, she says “I wish I were a kid again.” So naturally I responded back with “I wish you were a kid again, too. Because you’d be tighter.”

Zing!

Although for the sake of your own stupidity, I feel I should point out that I was taking the “really big vagina” angle and wasn’t going down the pedophilia route.

Because if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: big vaginas are the new midget joke.