red snappers snappin’, clam shells clappin’

I know you’re keeping score at home, Internet, so go ahead and add “old women with really long hair” to the list of things I’m coming out against when I run for president, on the basis of their being gross and/or creepy. I say “and/or” because some of the items on the list are one or the other, but not necessarily both gross and creepy. Like old women with really long hair are.

And since I know you’re pretty disorganized (as dirty hippies tend to be) and likely misplaced your copy of my list, and also you probably misspelled a lot of the words on it because you’re stupid (as dirty hippies tend to be), and since I have a soft-spot for some of you hippies (i.e. the cute ones that bathe and shave their pits and sometimes don’t wear bras), here’s the list:

Things I’m Coming Out Against when I Run for President, on the Basis of Their Being Gross and/or Creepy

1. Old women with really long hair.
2. Men in shorts.
3. Children singing and dancing on television.
4. The Banana Splits
5. Midgets.
6. Men, or old women, in flip-flops.
7. Babies wearing glasses.
8. Old people kissing.
9. Watching retardeds eat.
10. Your face.

There’s more, but I have to cut things short on account of how I’m about to go get my tattoo finished. Finally. I know! Right? Right.