special favors come in thirty-one flavors; we’re out of mints, pass the lifesavers

Question:

How much cock would a cockblock block, if a cockblock could block cock?

Answer:

As much cock as a cockblock could, if a cockblock’s a five year-old.

Welcome back, Internet. I know you missed me, but you could have always added me on the Facebook and challenged me in a game of Scramble if you needed a little you and me time. But now I’m blogging again, so get off my back already.

I spent the past week-and-change learning pretty much everything there is to know about parenting a child. I’ll probably write a book on the subject, but since you’re all a bunch of hippies (i.e. poor (and dirty)) and would just go check it out from the library instead of buying it, I’m seriously considering not writing it after all. To spite you.

Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve learned:

Lesson Learned #1:

Kids are gross and messy.

Lesson Learned #2:

No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to tell which one is Zach, and which one is Cody. They’ll never be anything more to you than two fat kids who need haircuts.

Lesson Learned #3:

Pedophilia jokes, hilarious though they may be, won’t always be appreciated by the mother of a five year-old, even if she’s your girlfriend, and are best kept to yourself.

Lesson Learned #4:

Sometimes Lesson Learned #3 is a real bummer, because come on, your cock looks massive in her tiny little hands.

Lesson Learned #5:

Sometimes funny trumps appropriateness.

Lesson Learned #6:

Sometimes, after adhering to Lesson Learned #5, you feel the need to point out that it’s just a joke, and you’re not really a pedophile. See Lesson Learned #1.

Lesson Learned #7:

You most likely will never learn the Jonas Brothers by name, but you can always recognize the gay one because of that Jew ’fro of his.

Lesson Learned #8:

No matter how much you beg and plead, the Filipino call center guy from Dish Network simply will not offer you a subscription package that doesn’t include the Disney Channel.

Lesson Learned #9:

Alcohol is your friend.

Lesson Learned #10:

Any day that doesn’t begin by being woken up with “Mama, can I watch TV?” at 5:30 in the morning can’t be too bad.

Speaking of socialized health care, I know you like to hate on the Wal-Mart, hippies, which I’ve always found baffling because none of you have any money so why wouldn’t you take advantage of their always low prices?

But instead of regurgitating the propaganda you read on that button the guy in the tie-dyed shirt was selling around Union Square and you just assumed he knew what he was talking about because after all he did have a button maker, if you’d ever take a minute to hop online and do some research — perhaps at the library when you’re checking out that book on parenting I might not write — you’d see that Wal-Mart is, in fact, a major advocate for healthcare reform.

But guess which major chain’s CEO is actually against socialized healthcare.

Whole Foods.

OMFGLMAOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Suck on that, hippies.