i like you so much better when you’re naked, i like me so much better when you’re naked

I’m no farmer, but are cucumbers supposed to look like giant green testicles?

It’s been a long and exciting 14 months, Internet, but now that I’m entering the final few days of my quote/unquote bachelor life, I thought I’d take a few minutes to share with you some of the knowledge I’ve gained in my time living alone. So when you inevitably get divorced — and you will — and you wind up trying to take care of your house and home all by yourself, you’ll have a leg-up on the competition.

Lesson Learned #1:

Sometimes it’s funny to write out “quote/unquote” instead of just putting the word in quotation marks.

Lesson Learned #2:

Your cat will, always and without fail, become overly affectionate with you while you’re trying to masturbate.

Lesson Learned #3:

Frozen chicken strips, frozen fries (crinkle cut, because they just taste better), and Stubb’s barbecue sauce make for a well-balanced meal, as many as three or four nights per week. And if you put some aluminum foil on the pan, you don’t even have to wash it!

Lesson Learned #4:

If you write a haiku asking women to send you photos of their boobs, your girlfriend’s going to get pissed.

Lesson Learned #5:

While shaving your balls is certainly a fun and exciting way to spend a Saturday afternoon, playing with your newly-shaved balls is an even more fun and exciting way to spend that Saturday evening.

Lesson Learned #6:

You may not remember why you bought that can of adobo, and you probably don’t even know what the hell adobo is or what it’s used for, but until the expiration date passes, you’re keeping it. Because you just never know.

Lesson Learned #7:

When you’re trying to masturbate, an overly-affectionate cat will break your concentration and cause the process to last longer than it should. Which can be good or bad, depending on your schedule.

Lesson Learned #8:

A nice set of track pants are just as comfortable as sweat pants, and you won’t look nearly as much like a slob when you wear them out to Target.

Lesson Learned #9:

You can stream soft-core porn from Netflix via your Xbox. They’re listed under “Steamy Romance.”

Lesson Learned #10:

Ironing sucks and it’s almost worth getting re-married just to avoid it.

That’s it for today, Internet. I hope all is well with you and yours.