there’s a part of you that i can see, below the throat and above the knee

Sorry if I seem a little lethargic today, Internet. The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been able to get much sleep lately, on account of all the stress and anxiety I’m experiencing due to the total and complete lack of any flight upgrade notifications in the old inbox.

You can’t seriously expect me to sit in coach, Delta. What if a poor person touches me?!?!? Get your goddamned head in the goddamned game!

And damn you too, LinkedIn, for buzzing the blackberry at 4:00 AM and waking me up with the false hope of a cushy seat with lots of legroom and free beer, when really you were just taunting me with info that some guy who in the grand scheme of things is pretty insignificant is now contacts with some other guy who is probably even more insignificant but I stopped reading before I could decide for certain because I was too sad.

I did manage to doze off for a few minutes, just long enough to dream that I was dating Olivia Munn, who tried to write “I Love Olivia Munn” on my neck in hicky. I suggested she use a heart in place of “Love” to conserve room, but she insisted on spelling it out.

Nice girl, that Olivia Munn.

And finally, look alive, New York. You too, Seattle. You’re my bitches, and soon I’ll be grabbing each of you around the neck and forcing you to make out like the slutty lesbian Barbies you once used to act out your homosexual desires but you knew your parents wouldn’t approve so you suppressed them and now you’re a soccer mom.

Your minivan will be rocking, and I’ll be the one knocking.

Boots.