min is mine, not thine; it’s kitten time at the great crystal shrine

I’ve been traveling a lot lately, and you know as well as I do that once you’ve taken your seat and are drinking a complimentary Leinenkugel’s (it tastes like orange candy!) while the poor people board, that you can only make fun of the fires of jealousy burning in their eyes as they shuffle back to coach for so long before you get bored of them and start to think.

I personally like to use this post-making-fun-of-the-poor time to brainstorm new million-dollar ideas, and let me just say that yesterday I came up with a doozy:

A brand-new social networking/micro-blogging site, just for women.

Called Twatter.

I also took some time to reflect on why it takes you poor people so long to board the plane, because that’s been a mystery to me for so long and I even asked a poor person one time what gives but I couldn’t take the smell so I had to leave before he could answer.

Anyway, so yesterday I realized that it takes you longer to board because you bring all your luggage on the aircraft instead of checking it, likely because you can’t afford the $15 fee. And I realized this and I laughed out loud, right there in my over-sized cushy seat I laughed, because if only you’d have flown first class instead, you would have gotten free baggage checking and could have saved that $15.

Silly poor people.

Here’s something else that came up last week of which I think you ought to be made aware: pooping while drunk isn’t nearly as fun as you might think, primarily because of the less-then-thorough wiping.

And lastly, if you’ve ever successfully completed a hot wing eating challenge in a certain Appalachian state and have recently discovered your polaroid has gone missing from the wall of shame fame, it’s probably because I took it. No hard feelings.