i’ll take you off the boat, put you under my wings and you could pull my leg or anything

I know you’d never say as much in public or with mixed company, Internet, but deep down we all know you agree with me entirely and 100% on this (as you do on most everything I say (even the baby head haiku (which I wrote in jest, and you should be ashamed of yourself for agreeing with it because pedophilia is so wrong and gross and what are you, Catholic?))), and since you’re too afraid to speak up, I’ll say it for you.

Like always.

I just don’t understand how our country can be too homophobic for a gay American Idol winner, when the fact that you even watch American Idol is so completely gay, gayer in fact than that gay guy you wouldn’t let win because of your homophobia.

Regardless, the results are in. America voted. And you’re a hypocrite.

You kind of remind me of what happened on that American Beauty movie where that army guy beat up his son because he thought the kid was blowing Kevin Spacey but then he got drunk and went and made out with Kevin Spacey in the rain himself.

You could see Thora Birch’s boobs in that movie. Not that you care, what with your being gay and watching the American Idol and all that.