for all respect you cannot lust, in an invisible man you place your trust

Oh Internet. Sweet, succulent Internet. Did you miss me? Wait. Shh. Don’t answer that. I know you did, and I’ll spare you the shame of admitting it.

First off, I’d like to thank Pitt for refusing to play defense during the last five seconds in their game versus Villanova, thereby causing me to go from 1st to 5th in my office pool, with no shot at winning. And I was planning on donating all my prize money to charity, too, so I hope you’re proud of yourselves, Pitt. The poor people won’t get their hot pockets or hobo chili or whatever the hell it is poor people eat, and it’s all because you suck too many balls to take a fucking charge. You’ve made Jesus cry and I know you don’t care but you did anyway.

And Villanova is in Philly. You know who else is from Philly? That’s right. The Fresh Fucking Prince. And G Love and Special Suck. Sleep on the fact that you lost to a team from the same place as the Fresh Prince and G Love for a few nights and suck on an exhaust pipe and end it like we all think you should.

Secondly, I was watching some heavy metal show on the VH-1 and they had a poll as to whether Pantera or Slayer were the “meanest” band ever, and the fucktards chose Pantera because obviously they’re all high and stupid. Kerry King drops deuces on Dimebag’s grave, because he can in that he isn’t dead and he has tattoos on his friggin’ head. On his head.

You know what would have happened if some douche brought a gun into a Slayer show? Well first of all, security would have intervened, because Slayer plays stadiums and arenas and not sucky clubs. Then Kerry King would have nailed the gunman’s wife, while Tom Araya played Nintendo and Jeff Hanneman videotaped the whole thing to upload to the YouTube. And all the while Dave Lombardo would have just kept on the double-bass drum.

So blow me with your Cowboys from Hell nonsense.

And b, I saw this the other day in New York, so if you need anyone to make chocolate or toys or cookies in a tree, now you know how to set that up.

And ultimately, is anyone willing to teach a two-day workshop in Flash? Because I’m not going to.