somebody’s been stealing all my sugar, somebody’s been sitting in my chair; somebody’s been smoking my cigarettes,’cause i see butts everywhere

I’ve been seeing a lot of midgets scurrying around on my many recent travels about and to and fro, and I must say that I’m starting to think that Al Gore guy may be onto something, because I could swear they’ve usually started hibernating by this time of year. Usually.

I heard a retarded girl in the Wal-Mart the other day, singing at the top of her lungs. Jingle Bells, I think, but I don’t speak their dialect so it’s tough to say with any real level of certainty. And please don’t ask me what breed she was, because I was never good at that sort of thing. She was rocking back and forth like she had the ’tism, but she wasn’t counting so that’s probably not it, and I’d left my field guide at Kristin’s so who can say?

Anyway, my point is that I heard this and then when they walked by, I looked at her handler right dead in the eye and asked him in my head, I asked him “Why? Why subject the rest of us hardworking American Wal-Mart shoppers (plus that group of illegals buying up all the corn tortillas and jalapeños (paying with cash (of course))) to this needless discomfort?”

But then I had a revelation that spurred my softer, compassionate, caring/nurturer side to expose itself, not unlike that time Jennifer Whatshername asked me in gym class if the carpet matched the drapes so I showed her:

He was probably there to buy earplugs.

I feel your pain, brother. Best of luck in your endeavors. Godspeed, young man. Godspeed.