“all men are evil except my boyfriend” said the sound of the spectacle

I know you’re thinking I haven’t been around lately, Internet. But you’re wrong. So wrong, in fact, that I want to punch you right in your fat face for even considering something so stupid. The truth is that I’ve been blogging damned-near every day. The Obama’s just been redistributing my posts to other, less fortunate blogs.

So I was watching the tele the other night — I got the Spaced DVD set a while back, and I’m thinking I’ll adopt a bit of British slang to honor Simon Pegg (but not the accent (and certainly not the spelling (damn you and all your stupid, misplaced Us, Simon Pegg))) — and so I’m watching the tele and I see a commercial for some text message service where you text a question to some number and it responds with a bible verse that answers your question. Standard text messaging rates apply.

So being inquisitive by nature (not to mention a bit arseholed at the time), I decided to give it a send-up.

Dear Bible Phone, my girlfriend is on the rag but still wants to do it. Gross, right?

Bible Phone says Leviticus 15:19-24: ¹⁹Whenever a woman has her menstrual period, she will be ceremonially unclean for seven days. Anyone who touches her during that time will be unclean until evening. ²⁰Anything on which the woman lies or sits during the time of her period will be unclean. ²¹If any of you touch her bed, you must wash your clothes and bathe yourself in water, and you will remain unclean until evening. ²²If you touch any object she has sat on, you must wash your clothes and bathe yourself in water, and you will remain unclean until evening. ²³This includes her bed or any other object she has sat on; you will be unclean until evening if you touch it. ²⁴If a man has sexual intercourse with her and her blood touches him, her menstrual impurity will be transmitted to him. He will remain unclean for seven days, and any bed on which he lies will be unclean.

I don’t think she’s going to be happy with that, Bible Phone. What if she gets upset?

Bible Phone says 1 Timothy 2:11-14: ¹¹Women should learn quietly and submissively. ¹²I do not let women teach men or have authority over them. Let them listen quietly. ¹³For God made Adam first, and afterward he made Eve. ¹⁴And it was not Adam who was deceived by Satan. The woman was deceived, and sin was the result

Okay, okay. I catch your drift, Bible Phone. So when she’s having her ladytime, is it okay if she goes down on me?

Bible Phone says Song of Solomon 2:3: ³Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, So is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Whoa there, Bible Phone. His fruit was sweet to my taste? Are you saying it’s okay for her to swallow?

Bible Phone says John 4:10-14: ¹⁰Jesus replied, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.” ¹¹“But sir, you don’t have a rope or a bucket,” she said, “and this well is very deep. Where would you get this living water? ¹²And besides, do you think you’re greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us this well? How can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?” ¹³Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. ¹⁴But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

So let me get this straight, Bible Phone: Jesus used his “Son of God” routine to troll for blowjobs? That’s awesome! Did it work?

Bible Phone says John 4:15-16: ¹⁵“Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again, and I won’t have to come here to get water.” ¹⁶“Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her.

Holy fucking shit, he wanted a threesome? That Jesus was a freak.

Anyway, I think the moral of the story is that Jesus was into snogging dudes, blowing his load into women’s mouths and Bob’s your uncle! Blimey!