take a look at these dark sunglasses, i like to wear ’em around the house; they make me look so tough and mean, i wear ’em every time I go out.

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, Internet. I’ve spent the past week or so in the hospital, recuperating from surgery. And I don’t really know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come right out with it:

There were complications.

The good news is the doctor says that, with a lot of physical rehabilitation therapy, I should be able to walk again someday. The bad news is that, for one reason or another, the sphincteroplasty was unsuccessful, and I’m afraid they were unable to safely remove your lips. Thank god we’ve both grown accustomed to the feeling, right?

Right.

Speaking of politics, does anyone remember that Michael Phelps guy?

Me either.

I’m leaving for D.C. shortly. I’d offer to tell everyone there you said “hi” but we both know that they’d never believe me.  You probably wouldn’t have meant it anyway. You never do.