some folks like water, some folks like wine, but i like the taste of straight strychnine

So the other day I was walking to the post office and saw a tiny baby bird that had fallen out of its nest. As you’re all aware, I’m the sort of thoughtful and compassionate caring/nurturer that you pretend to like but secretly despise because you know I’m just a better person than you are and it burns you up on the inside something good, so I picked little Merle up — I forgot to mention that I named him Merle — so I picked little Merle up and put him back in his nest.

Were it not for me, little Merle would probably be dead right now. Just like that dead guy from the Dave Matthews. You hear that frat boys? One down, four to go! In your faces!

Speaking of the Olympics, I couldn’t help but notice that the gold medal game in ping pong was played by two Chinese men. Way to perpetuate stereotypes there, China! The coverage stopped as soon as the match was over, though, so I have no way of knowing how poorly Ma Lin (a.k.a. the face of a billion people) drove on his way home after winning.

Also, your so-called “rhythmic gymnastics” is really just pretty girls twirling ribbons and playing with hula-hoops, and I think the name should be changed to reflect as much. Every other New Year’s Eve I perform many of the same stunts with a sparkler, but then I crank it up a notch and write my name in the air. And the sparkler’s on fire. Take that, pretend athletes!