it seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things

Sorry I haven’t been around all that much lately, Internet, but I’ve spent the past week or so racking my brain to try and come up with a way to score with the hippie chicks — not the dirty hippie chicks with the pit hair and unkempt nether regions and that don’t wear bras, but the clean ones that shop at the Whole Foods and shave their legs and don’t wear bras — and I think I’ve finally stumbled upon the solution: go green. They eat that kind of shit up, the hippies do.

But oh no, a dilemma! Since I’ll soon be far too busy to sort the recycling when I’m having all the uninhibited hippie chick sex, I decided the only logical way to go about it would be to do like what the Al Gore did (but hopefully without getting big and fat in the process (like the Al Gore also did (Tipper, too))).

So I’ve started my own carbon credit company. Now, I can just pay myself for carbon credits, which in turn offset my so-called carbon footprint.

Just like what the Al Gore did.

It’s so much more cost-effective this way than if I bought them from another company (like the one Al Gore owns, and buys his carbon credits from). And considering the price of gas these days (and with me driving an SUV), well, I think it just makes good fiscal sense. You know?

But wait! There’s more!

Call now to buy your own carbon credits, and undo all the damage you cause to the environment and also our children simply by waking up in the morning. I take PayPal — the safer, easier way to pay without exposing your credit card or bank account number — and if you mention this blog post, I’ll double your order! That’s two carbon credits for the price of one, printed on non-recycled paper because it’s cheaper but don’t worry because I’ll buy my own carbon credits to make up for it.

So now I guess there’s not much else to do but sit back and wait for my Nobel Prize. Oh, it’s going to look so dandy on my résumé, right there under “Skills, Awards and Accomplishments,” after JavaScript and CSS but before the 257 I bowled one time on the Wii.