jump over all the barrels and let out a little scream; duck underneath the pie, ’cause it’s a coconut cream

Dear Internet,

As I am without anything of substance to write today, please accept the following as a haiku quintet honoring a man of the people, an entrepreneur who strives for perfection in everything he does, a man who — no matter what he says — it draws controversy (sort of like the abortion issue), a messiah to nerds everywhere as the Donkey Kong world record holder and, most importantly, a real American hero: Billy Mitchell.

USA! USA!

patriotic ties
hanging from the neck of a
real american.

barrel-jumping skills
the blueprint for your success
to best that monkey.

the record stolen
shortly thereafter, regained
in your face, weibe.

billy, oh billy,
your glorious hair blowing
in the arcade breeze.

never has a beard
filled me with so much desire
to clutch a joystick.

It’s funny. If “funny” is the right word. Which it isn’t.