give my heart just a word of sympathy, be as fair to my heart as you can be

Say what you want, Internet, but I really do believe that, were it me keeping my daughter chained up in the basement for the purpose of having the sex and also probably to hang out with and play the Guitar Hero in co-op mode and watch an odd Father Knows Best re-run now and then, I really doubt I’d have carried the relationship on for 24 years.

Call me old fashioned, but once she hit 35 I’d have been all “look babe, I’m sorry but you’re just not doing it for me, what with your premature aging brought on by living in the dark with no exercise or vitamins or fresh air.” How could I not, particularly with my 19-year-old granddaughter grunting and growling her nubile Austrian ass around the basement? A man has needs!

Oh sure, I’d have stayed around awhile for the sake of the kids. Always for the kids. But that’s because I’m a man of responsibility and integrity and especially compassion. You could learn a thing or two.

And with that, I’m off to Chicago for the week. Toodles. Horns.