you have an expertise that’s like a real disease, such a strong disease that i just weaken in the knees

I hate being the bearer of bad news, Hartford, CT, but I’ve been wrought with guilt these past few days over a trick I unintentionally played on you last week, and I feel compelled to come clean:

Jesus is not, in fact, my homie.

Not really, nor has he been for quite some time.

I know the hat I was wearing led you to believe the contrary and prompted the “hey, I like your hat” brand of compliments you showered me with upon my arrival, but you were unwittingly deceived. The hat is a joke, a clever gag to those who know me. He isn’t even real, the Jesus. Get it? OMFGLMAO.

But hindsight being 20/20, I suppose I concede that sarcasm translates poorly in both email and novelty trucker caps. True, the use of ALL CAPS should have clued you in, but you never were the brightest taco in the combination platter. And for that I do apologize.

Sorry to disappoint, Hartford. I’ll understand if you want to break things off.