and if i pointless arch, and spit white nothings at the sky…

Sorry about the whole “not blogging all that much” thing, Internet, but the past few weeks I just haven’t been myself. I’ve been George Hamilton, hanging out with Imelda Marcos and eating Ritz crackers and watching Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles for the bajillionth time (it’s a skunk, you silly Brit!), all the while goading your young to pursue the “healthy” tan.

My, what a healthy tan.

Hey Internet! Wanna know how to make fun of the retardeds and get away with it?

Step 1: Make fun of the retardeds.

Step 2: When people give you their scornful looks complete with furrowed brow, tell them this:

“Scorn me not, mother, for it’s not that I’m making fun of the retardeds but, rather, I’m pretending to be a retarded so I can better understand their plight.”

That will most assuredly shut their smug mouths, as the guilt of false accusation overwhelms them momentarily. Most assuredly. And after dying a tiny death inside, they’ll respond with a paraphrased version of the following:

“Well done, Internet. You’re a far better person than I could ever hope to be. Carry on with your noble deeds of empathy and compassion. Limp a mile in their shoes. Just please wear socks. Don’t want to go catching the hoof and mouth.”

And together you will laugh, and laugh, and laugh…