does daddy have a shotgun? he said he’d never need one

Now I’m not nearly macho enough to say it to their hillbilly faces, but as I’m sitting at a computer and have the relative security and anonymity of you at my disposal, Internet, I feel it’s safe to say out loud for one and all to hear that I’m no NASCAR fan.

I’m not a redneck, you see, so there’s no way you’ll ever get me to attend a race in person, toothless redneck women flashing their tits and spitting their snuff be damned. I also don’t have a gun rack or a rebel flag t-shirt and have never attended a Klan meeting, but that’s neither here nor there.

Even so, I’d like to take this opportunity to express my absolute admiration and deepest respect for the entire NASCAR community for continuing to embrace Dale Jr. even though he’s come out as being one of the homos. And it’s not as if he quietly left the closet with the dignity such an event would normally warrant; oh no, he’s throwing it in their fat, disgusting hillbilly faces, bragging all about the creamy caramel in his king-sized “candy.” But shun him they refuse.

Well done, rednecks. I had you all pegged as fat, disgusting, toothless, racist homophobes, but you’re not homophobic at all.