are you bringin’ a present for me? something pleasantly pleasant for me?

A word to the wise, Internet: when given as gifts to children ages 7-12, novelty bars of soap with money stuck in the middle will not encourage more frequent bathing as you so wrongly assumed when you bought them those many weeks ago. Rather, the kids will take one bath — just long enough to soften the soap — and will then use their greasy kid fingers to dig out the rolled-up dollar bills. Their fingernails will be cleaned in the process, though.

It’s a Christmas miracle!

I chose to celebrate first by drinking heavily, then by sticking Santa hats on various things around my house and taking photos.

In years past I’d have given my dog a candy cane bone and then pretended to take it away from him for a heartwarming photo, but he bit me a few months ago so now he’s dead to me. Instead, I opted to start a brand-new tradition: humiliating my cats.

Normally I’m dead-set against dressing up pets for any occasion, but it turns out my cats are, too. And they’re not the boss of me.