how i wonder what you are

Traveling for work — spending hours upon hours in airports and airplanes and small, crowded, smoky, dimly-lit dive bars trolling for hookers — gives a man a lot of time to think, to ponder this crazy world we live in and, when inspiration presents itself, to devise methods for the betterment of all our lives.

Well I’ve been traveling for work, Internet, and inspiration is running rampant.

I propose that, from now on, we should force catheterization upon the elderly, for all flights — domestic and international — lasting longer than two hours. Because quite frankly, Internet, I am dead-set against Grandma Madge’s polyester-covered old woman ass rubbing against my shoulder over and over as she shuffles up and down the aisle nonstop, her 70-year-old bladder unable to hold that six ounces of complimentary ginger ale for longer than 20 minutes.

Here are a few things I’ve discovered the past couple of days:

• The open display of ass crack by way of low-rise jeans has apparently become the accepted norm for women below 40, and I’d say that in probably 40-45% of the situations, I’m for it.
• The weather in Boston during November is much colder than it is in Baton Rouge.
• Automatic hand soap dispensers in public restrooms are the wave of the fucking future. The fucking future.
• Small, star-shaped tattoos on the back of the neck, when almost completely (though not entirely) obscured from sight via combination of blouse collar and short yet feminine brunette hair, can be quite hot.

More to come.