dans cette vallée de larmes qu’est la vie, viens avec moi par les sentiers interdits

I’ve been neglecting you, Internet. I realize you visit my website on a regular basis, mainly looking for midget jokes but often with the sole intent of drinking from the well of my wisdom in hopes of gaining something — anything — that you might be able to take back and use to enrich your own sad and pathetic life which, were it not for my guidance, would otherwise be wasted away getting fat from the large volume of Doritos and Mountain Dew you’d consume for nourishment, fuel for the hours and hours you’d spend “living” in pretend online “worlds,” texting shorthand to the cutest avatar you can find even though deep down in your heart you know it’s really a dude. WTG HOMO! OMG LOL!

Well gather ’round, kids; Uncle Jeremy shall be inattentive no more.

Here’s a reason that should never be used as the deciding factor in getting married:

China.

Trust me on this one, Internet.

Sure, in the weeks leading up the wedding there’ll be china coming at you all the time, at all hours of the day via special delivery and always oh so much fun to unwrap. You won’t even mind writing the “thank you” cards, not for the china, and will be thrilled to write as many as three or four per day depending on how early you have to get up the next morning.

The big day will come and go, and for weeks after you’ll find that you’re still receiving china regularly and this will most assuredly make you happy.

But this tale is a cautionary one, Internet, for a few months after the wedding you’ll wake up and discover the First Revelation of the Truths of Marriage©: you aren’t receiving nearly as much china as you once were.

Your marriage will still be relatively new at this point, and you will continue having access to the china from time-to-time, often on a whim and without waiting for a special occasion. “This is normal,” you’ll reason, and you probably won’t even notice that, the majority of the time, the china stays hidden away in the cabinet.

Time will continue to pass (as it is wont to do) and soon you’ll receive the Second Revelation of the Truths of Marriage©: the china is only to be used for special occasions.

True, the definition of “special” may seem liberal at first, and can often be made even more so with the strategic use of alcohol, but be warned, Internet, for this is a clever ruse to acclimate you towards not having ready use of the china. And once you’ve accepted that you only get to use the china when she decides, special occasions will begin to occur fewer and further between.

At this point, the china will spend most of the year hidden away in the cabinet, cold and dark and gathering dust. You’ll likely feel the urge to try and get into the cabinet without waiting for a special occasion, but surprise! it’s locked. And even if, back when you first purchased the cabinet, you took the spare key and hid it away in a special place for safekeeping, you’ll discover that it only works sporadically at best, and will eventually rust through and crumble apart, forever keeping you separated from the china you once loved so.

And if you think that hurts, wait until you receive the Third Revelation of the Truths of Marriage©: working keys to the china cabinet do still exist, and can be used to open it freely. You just don’t have one.

The end.

Good night, kids!