watch what you say or they’ll be calling you a radical, a liberal, fanatical, criminal

Now you listen to me and you listen to me good, Internet: I think it’s past time you grew the fuck up and stopped being racist, and just let poor O.J. be.

The guy has his ex-wife murdered, gets sued for millions of dollars because of it, and then he isn’t even allowed to write a book about how he would have killed her if he had except he didn’t so it’s a work of fiction. Some pretty tough times indeed, but have you ever found it in your tiny little racist heart to show him even one small ounce of compassion? Of course not.

But I know what this is all about. Jealousy.

You’re jealous of him because you don’t even have your own memorabilia. And even if you did, no one would want to steal it so they could then sell it to people in creepy black-market deals from their hotel room. And doesn’t that just get under your skin something awful?

Jesus himself wrote in Matthew 7:18 which as you may not know is part of the bible — the real bible, and not the fake ones of Jew or Mormon variety — that “a good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.”

And since we all know that the Naked Gun is good fruit — good, hysterical fruit — logic tells us that O.J. is therefore a good tree. Logic and Jesus, which so seldomly go together that, when they do, watch out.

So leave him alone or you’re going to hell.