he’s a demon on wheels
A lot of you know this already either by way of firsthand experience or from your mother’s own loving recollection, but for the rest of everybody else, I’m going to come clean and admit I’m bad at sex. Really bad. 16 year-old and losing your virginity to that fat chick who only put out so maybe, just maybe you’ll hold her hand in front of people and take her to the prom so she doesn’t have to go with her cousin bad.
Stamina. That’s my problem.
I’m saying I’m fast. Lightening fast. It’s become my trademark, my calling card if you will. I’ve got orgasm on speed dial. And as much as I’ve championed the idea that it has more to do with my vast skill and experience in pleasing myself than it does with any sort of sexual ineptitude, I know that, five minutes from now, Cindy’s going to be pissed.
I’ve even tried thinking about football as a means of prolonging the event, but it never seems to help. Plus, now I find football so… fucking… hot!
Luckily for me (and you, if you play your cards right, buy me a drink and show a little cleavage), I’m hung like a fucking horse.
Well, a pony.
Ok, a My Little Pony.
But you should never underestimate the powerful effect a little nostalgia has on the ladies’ libidos. They’re emotional like that.
MLP Dicks vibrate and provide intense clitoral stimulation, bro. So a lightning strike is all they can handle. Although my mom's going to be relieved it's not just her you go so damn fast with. Daddy.
You sound like a "buddy" of mine. I have been helping him. Its really quite easy, If you want to last longer during the act then go to the shower for a wet run. Beat off and then wait 5 min. Head to the lucky piece of ass you have waiting and have her suck you hard. Now you are ready to be rode like the true stallion you are.
You can also try commercial sex.
Watch a good flick on t.v.(one with commercials) every time a commercial comes on you and your partner do everything sexual without penatration. Stop everything when the movie comes back on. Do this until the movie is over then jump in and get the job done. Wooo Hooo its fun.
That's not what I was promised.
Look on the bright side. You won't get married and have to go through this:
http://www.sunderlandecho.com/weird-world/Is-this-the-funniest-bachelor.3033853.jp
I think the part that pisses cindy off the most is football. god damn. couldn't you be thinking about family guy instead?
Like the Speed Racer reference.
Relax man, we’re all Speed now and again, particularly if Trixie has been stingy with the poon.
Have you tried doing multiplication tables? I've heard that helps. Plus, when you get to the 7s, it kind of looks like you're about to make your "O" face.
Jeremy, you owe me a new keyboard. I just snotted all over mine. I must be a premature snot-u-la-ter, I guess.
jack: that's right. your mom. wow. tell her i said "hi."
lisa: i think commercial sex is the way to go, but first i'll need to find a hooker that charges by the minute.
[ba-dup, bup tssk.]
cindy: i told you, i'll try. but i can't make any promises.
debbie: i hope his vaccinations were up-to-date.
terra: that may be why she's so into me; i last about as long as a typical non sequitur in family guy. now that you mention it, she's always laughing when it's over, too.
joe: i've also tried keeping my little brother's pet in my "trunk," but it got kind of itchy.
ima: i did what you said, but i got to the "o" face closer to 2. and now i find math so... fucking... hot!
mel: i have that effect on women. one of the reasons i like to get in and get out so quickly.
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