the monkeys asked, the tigers asked, and the elephant asked me too

So happy Mardi Gras or, as the hippies call it, Fat Tuesday. And do you know why they call it that?

Because you’re fat.

If you don’t live anywhere near New Orleans and are worried you won’t be able to celebrate, don’t fret; Uncle Jeremy has the solution for you. Yes my friends, you too can experience the sights, sounds and – most importantly – the smells of this wondrous day, right in the comfort of your own living room by simply following these simple directions:

1. Start drinking five or six hours ago, and really cheap alcohol at that.
2. Eat a pound of asparagus, wait a few hours, and then urinate on the floor. Make certain to soak any carpet and/or upholstery fabric as thoroughly as possible. This is mainly for authenticity of scent, but it also adds that special feeling of not wanting to touch anything.
3. Purchase a Mardi Gras CD and put “Mardi Gras Mambo” on repeat for the remainder of the day, so you can listen to it over and over (and fucking over).
4. Locate every trash and garbage can in your home, and dump the contents onto the floor so as to mix aroma with the urine.
5. Pop in a Girls Gone Wild DVD.
6. Invite some kids from a local fraternity over to stand in front the television, blocking your view of the college coeds and sexy secretaries exposing themselves. Make sure they’re loud and bump into you a lot, and that they all have names like Cody or Tyler or Hayden or Skeet or Heath or Preston to ensure maximum annoyance factor.
7. Have Cody vomit on the floor, so as to mix aroma with the urine and garbage.
8. Remain standing in the middle of all this with 23 pounds of cheap, crappy plastic beads around your neck for a minimum of 14 hours.
9. Revel in the festivities.

That’s about all there is to it, really. Now show me your tits.

Via email is fine.